You're welcome, and thank you for your kind words. No, I can see your point, but it's like the simple fact that we can't have our cake and eat it too: we can't reject God and be saved by Him either. But, perhaps I can give some hope on that note: I sometimes seriously question how responsible we humans truly are for our deepest spiritual inclinations, or lack thereof. I often see humanity as being broken creatures, as the most intelligent among us usually only capable of screwing themselves (and everybody else) up really bad. Case in point, observe our world-leaders.

But, this may be subjective of me. I admit to being rather jaded and bitter sometimes. I try to get over it, but it's a long, uphill process. Guess that brings the topic back to mental health, somehow.

One last note on this... I've learned in life that there are answers. We may not like what they end up being, and we may have trouble accepting them, but there are answers. At least, this has been my experience.

You're most welcome, I appreciate the conversation. Sorry again for being so long-winded, and have a good holiday season as well!

@ M_Mosher I read your post the other day and wanted to respond, and just skimmed through the last couple responses. I had actually typed up sort of a life story the other day before going to work, but ran out of time and wasn't sure if I should post it. Definitely need to probably edit it a bit anyway. It sounds like we have a LOT in common. I have bad anxiety, OCD and depression all at once, I am basically convinced it all really started when I did a lot of LSD in my teens and was mostly triggered by the last trip I had which was probably the worst experience of my life.

I have tried antidepressants and was on Zoloft and Klonopin for like 10 years which I think just made me more of a zombie that accepted my miserable state instead of trying to actually fix anything. What drug have you found works for you? I've been on and off with cannabis, it increases my anxiety and paranoia most of the time especially at first, but then it DOES sort of make me more interested in things. I want to try psilocybin but am actually nervous to try it (or anything) really. They tried to give me Trintellix recently, but I refused to try it... a big reason i didn't want to try it was because those meds always ruin my sex drive which is like sadly one of the very few things I still enjoy anymore.

I was pouring my entire self into this relationship with a girl for the past 7 months or so and pushing myself through some things, but she just suddenly went from talking about living together in the future to dumping me last week. 2 days later I put my dog down who I had for almost 15 years and I've just been in a full on hopeless suicidal crying mode this past week. I'm already back on dating apps and went over to this girls house I used to hang out with, like trying to fill the void with just any body I can find. I know and have heard a billion times that I "have to love myself and be ok alone before I can be with someone else" but I just find the first part of that statement to be impossible, so I'm just doomed to be alone forever apparently. At this point I miss my dog more than anything, even though I already just wanted to cry myself straight to death when my girl broke up with me. This is the shittiest 5 day weekend ever and absolute worst few days of my life. WAY worse than when my wife left me back in like March of 2021. I had plans for over a month to be with my girl during this time and now I'm just sitting home alone instead, missing my dog and her.

I should probably talk about anxiety more as well... It's gotten better for me, but some things that give me the most anxiety are driving long distances on expressways, and especially over big bridges. Last time I was driving over a bridge on a highway going 80 I had all those physical symptoms and thought I was gonna pass out just not make it over the bridge. I take Klonopin as needed before I need to drive on highways and as you said, it seems be the only thing that helps, and it mostly just makes it "manageable". I've been challenging myself to not take it since my girl actually lived about 3 hours away and I had to drive on the highway to get there.

I also have major medical phobias, especially IVs and surgery which I may have to face soon. My mind gets stuck in constant loops thinking about it and feeling like I just "won't be able to handle it" The idea of having to sit there with something stuck in my vein for an extended period of time is like torture. I absolutely hate blood draws and they are the most intensely horrible experience, but like, they are over pretty quickly and I've been able to suffer through a few of those. I've been talking to the same therapist for years, but haven't made a ton of progress I don't think. Typing things out like this is something I've never done and maybe it will help a little, I'm not sure. I'm thinking about trying a new therapist and forms of therapy soon if I even have enough motivation to do that. I want to go to a more extensive program like Rogers, but I would have to quit my job and then probably pay for it out of pocket which I know my family would be willing to help me with. Everyone at my job loves me because I get so much work done, but I still worry it would be hard for me to find something else if I left, so I feel pretty stuck.

Hey, man. Glad to see you checking in. Just to follow up on some previous comments:

I sympathize with your challenges, but I'm not really in a position to advise on things like drugs and phobias - maybe M_Mosher can weigh in. (Social anxiety is about as close as I get, but I wouldn't think to compare that with what you describe - maybe in a very loose and general sense, but I feel it'd be baseless and irresponsible of me to hazard a guess.)

I will say I find writing helpful - and dating apps quite the opposite of helpful. (Likely to induce/exacerbate heartache even under the best of circumstances, IMHO, but your mileage may vary. I've never gotten anything good out of 'em, though that isn't the case for everyone.) Honestly, I'd put the relationship stuff on hold for a bit while you take time to heal. That's the only thing screaming out to me as obvious advice. You're in a vulnerable place, and the need to fill a void makes for a dangerous foundation for a relationship. Trust that you'll get there when the time is right.

As for the "forever alone" demon - "best taken with a grain of salt" would be an understatement. As a rule, catastrophically negative thoughts like that are "just the depression talking"; it's part of the process to take notice of them, roll with them, feel them out - which does sometimes mean "be vividly convinced that they're the Absolute Truth" - but it's not unrealistic to expect that they'll wear themselves out, like an Internet troll. Your brain is healing itself behind the scenes, I believe.

And regarding writing, what I sometimes find is that it can help the writer move past their burdensome thoughts through sheer exhaustion, if that makes sense. Like...even if it's journaling - and journaling has the benefit of being unfiltered - once the thought is in writing, and it's been worked out and refined to the point where all the nuances and implications are captured, nothing left unsaid: This can help move the mind closer to a sense of, "Well, I've said all there is to say on that, let's see what else is out there..." (Or, it can simply deplete the negative energy to the point where it's easier to focus on one's usual enjoyable pastimes.)

Last but not least...heartfelt condolences about the loss of your dog. That simply sucks.

@Sick6Six

Wow, we do seem to have a lot in common! I second Defenstrated's advice on journaling. Also, this post is way too long, I'm so sorry. I'll post it, but I won't blame anyone for not reading it. I sincerely apologize for being so longwinded. Geez... Here we go...

First off, let me say: my deepest sympathies and condolences on the loss of your beloved dog, as well as for the horrible breakup with your girl. I can totally relate to both, as I've experienced each of those, and endured the hardship that came with them.
One time, my ex-wife and I had to put our dog on the truck to the pound, because we couldn't bring him with us to move back to Canada. We had just survived hurricane Ivan (2004 I believe), and decided to move back to Canada where its safer. We were in Mobile, Alabama at the time, which is right on the Gulf of Mexico, a magnet for hurricanes and tropical storms. If we had stayed, we would have gotten hit by Katrina which came soon after.

I've had to live with the sadness ever since, of never knowing what happened to our dog after that. Did someone adopt him? He was a good dog. Were his new owners nice? Or abusive? Did he just get put down because he never got adopted? Man, I still think about it. I cried after putting him on the truck. He looked at me like "What's going on? What did I do?" But I had no choice. We had to escape for our survival, and simply couldn't bring him back with us. It was an extremely difficult decision, and one I've had to live with.

I'm very sorry for the mental anguish you go through, the anxiety, the OCD, and the inner torture that comes with it. I totally understand.

Weed triggers panic attacks for me, so I can't do THC. Everybody around me smokes weed, and I'm envious (and bitter) that they can smoke it comfortably. People often tell me "Just smoke weed bro, its all you need," and then I have to explain (again and again) that weed gives me panic attacks, and is a terrible idea for me. CBD weed is good though. It can help, but is hit-or-miss. Sometimes it doesn't help much.

Unfortunately, for anxiety and panic attacks, benzodiazepines like Klonopin (Clonazepam) and Serax (Oxazepam), Xanax (Alprazolam), etc., are a miracle drug. Nothing alleviates a panic attack better than a benzo. It just brings you back to baseline, and totally relieves your Central Nervous System.
The problem with benzos is dependence and habituation. Once you're dependent on them, you're hooked and have to be very careful about not quitting them abruptly. If you only take them once in a while, that's good. But if you take them every day for months, you have to taper down. The withdrawals from benzodiazepines can be dangerous (horrible physical discomforts of various kinds, seizures, coma, death), so be careful with them. Myself, I'm hooked on them. I've already gone through benzo-withdrawal once, years ago (cir. 2012-2013). Currently though, I've been on Oxazepam since 2017. I'm trying to taper down, but it's very difficult.

For me, the drug that has worked the best so far is DXM, which is a dissociative hallucinogen derived from Codeine. I can't exactly recommend or advise that someone else use it therapeutically like I did, I can't condone it, but, it has helped me. It acts as an SNRI, so it gives you a serotonin boost. You CANNOT use it if you're on an antidepressant, MAOI's or SSRI's, it can give you serotonin syndrome, which is very serious.
Now, I got addicted to DXM over the past year. I was using it every day, drinking a LOT of cough syrup. Eventually, since it's an SNRI, I had the same withdrawal symptoms you'd get from discontinuing an antidepressant, as well as discontinuing an opiate: brain-zaps, nausea/vomiting, sweats, etc.
I was able to taper down successfully, over a few months. Now I use it less frequently, mostly because where I live cough syrup has become scarce. I suspect it's a "manufactured" scarcity, but that's just speculation on my part.

The absolute BEST drug I've used for my problems is MXE, an analogue of Ketamine. That drug helped me change my life, it was amazing when used responsibly as a therapeutic. Unfortunately, I can't find it anywhere. It seems no one is making it anymore, which is tragic.

So, I don't know really. I'm scheduled to see a psychiatrist sometime in the near future. I'd like to try Memantine as a medication, but I have low hopes that any doctor will give me alternative treatment. They always push antidepressants, and one reason they do that is because they get money (like a comission) when they prescribe certain drugs. Anyway, I'm not even sure Memantine would work for me, but it's an NMDA-antagonist, and drugs in that classification seem to work better for me. I'd rather try those (NMDA-Antagonists) than antidepressants.

Opiates worked for a while (lol), until the side-effects manifested. I started getting random panic attacks at night because of them. It would happen while I was asleep. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, heart racing, drenched in total fear, thinking I was going to die. So, I had to quit opiates. I'm now in a program which treats me with Suboxone, and I'll eventually taper down from that.

I feel you man, whether on your anxiety, or your medical phobias. Myself, I've had to do a lot of blood-tests over the past 5yrs or so. I used to have medical phobias too, but how I got over it was like this: back in 2007-2008 I was in a deep depression, considering suicide, and very unstable emotionally. While feeling like this, I had to get a blood-test. I've had a fear of needles since I was a kid, but I was so depressed and suicidal that I didn't care what happened to me. I decided to just experience it. I watched the nurse put the needle in, and I watched the blood flow out. I forced myself to just experience it. I had just discovered Xasthur around that time, was listening to "Subliminal Genocide" a lot, self-mutilating frequently, and obsessed with the essence of trauma.

Strange and horrible as it sounds, somehow it helped me not be afraid of medical things anymore. I cannot, in good faith, recommend that anybody do what I did. There has to be a better way, and I have often gone into disturbing methods in order to cope with whatever I'm going through at the time.

My advice would be to keep speaking with medical professionals, and be open to spirituality. Honestly, my religion helps me a lot. For one thing, there are guidelines to follow, and a path of discipline which helps to keep one in line. Medical professionals are good to talk to, and consider whatever they say. Myself though, I consider what they say, but I take everything they tell me with a grain of salt. I don't blindly take their advice without question. If I think their advice is wrong for me, or am afraid that it may harm me, I do not take their advice. At that time, I tell them to bring an alternative method other than what they suggested.

For example, if they push an SSRI on me, I tell them "no," I'm not going to take it. At that time, I'll suggest another drug that I've researched, and ask them about it. It's okay to not follow a doctors advice all the time, but it's important to consider what they say.

My panic-disroder actually came back because my former doctor raised my thyroid medication too high. I told her I didn't want her to raise it. She said "I just want to see what happens." She raised my Levothyroxin from 150mcg to 175mcg. Within 3 days, my panic-disorder re-manifested after it had been completely gone for 3 or 4 years. I've been trying to deal with it ever since.

For that reason, I always take what doctors say with a grain of salt. It's my life, and I know myself better than they do. I consider what they tell me, but I won't shy away from insisting they think of something else if I don't like what they suggest as treatment.

I dunno, maybe most people think they should follow whatever an "expert" says. I'm skeptical of them, as a general rule. I'm not saying people should do what I do, but I have a problem with blindly accepting their advice, and I won't just take whatener medication they want to give me. I research it thoroughly online, and I see what people say about it.
Example: one doctor wanted to give me Lamictal. I researched it online and found that like 90% of people had horrible reactions to it, blisters on the face. I realized right away that he suggested that drug because he gets a comission on it. I refused to take it, screw that. "What else ya got?"

Ah, this post is long enough, and I think I've rambled again way too much. I'm on Lyrica right now, so maybe, my thoughts are disconnected or don't make sense. Sorry.

In closing, I sincerely hope that you'll be okay, that things will get better, and that your problems will become manageable.

I don't know about "loving yourself first," I don't go that route. I've learned how to be alone, and sometimes it's necessary. But I understand the need to be with someone. Humans are social people, we need human contact. We also need to be alone sometimes. Realize that it's okay to be alone. You'll be alright. When you're alone, perhaps think about spiritual things, or consider meditation and contemplation. When one is alone, it's a good time to think about higher things. When one doesn't think of higher things though, being alone can be problematic. Maybe it's just my experience, I don't know, but.... that's how I dealt with it.

Be well, friend. These hardships will eventually pass, as everything does. Remember that bad things happen, but some good things happen too. Cherish the good moments when they come. You'll be okay, with time. You'll eventually meet someone else. Until then, just work on yourself. Try to get better, and use the time alone to think of higher things. It may help.

Don't get me wrong, it's really cool that we have this space to support one another...but in places there we may be getting too close to DIY psychiatry.

E.g. this statement: "I researched [Lamictal] online and found that like 90% of people had horrible reactions to it, blisters on the face."

Well, I actually take a generic of that - have been taking it for years - and certainly hadn't been made aware of that sort of thing (beyond the fine print and all). And here's what Wikipedia says on this: Between 5 and 10% of patients will develop a rash, but only one in a thousand patients will develop a serious rash. Rash and other skin reactions are more common in children, so this medication is often reserved for adults.

I know I'm not going to "win" any arguments about this or that drug just by citing Wikipedia, and arguing is not my intention anyway...I would just say: Be aware that there may be wildly conflicting (and in many cases grossly unsubstantiated) claims out there, and exercise caution accordingly. Trusting the experts - or, deferring to them, provisionally, to a significant extent - as a rule of thumb isn't "blind"; I wouldn't even call it the "least worst" approach. I think it's quite sensible! As with any human institution, there are legitimate concerns and even the possibility/likelihood of systemic deficiencies; but on the whole, IMO, mainstream medicine is considerably safer than researching things online, without training. That can lead a person badly astray, and often does.

Just thought it important to throw that out there, not trying to be a scold. Be well, and keep the dialogue going!

@M_Mosher That really sucks about your dog too, not knowing what happened would drive me crazy as well. I already regret not spending more time with her these past months, and I have another dog, but she was really the most ridiculous and loving creature I have ever known. She was a pitbull and I had another boy pitty who lived to be 15, the 2 of them were completely in love like nothing I've ever seen and it's really hard to accept that they are both gone. It's like the end of an era or something, their names were Kano and Sonya. I spent so much damn time on video games and shit instead of giving them full undivided attention over the years, or giving real life my attention, it just all feels like such a waste and now that time is gone forever.

I've been getting anxiety from weed ever since that acid trip when i was 16. It was the most relaxing thing in the world and I could smoke 20 joints a day and just melt into the couch, but the next day after that acid trip, weed made me feel like i was having a heart attack, and it's NEVER been the same again. I even grow extremely good weed and currently have way too much, but I don't even use it. Last time I tried I hated it. I've always wanted to somehow figure out how to "reverse" that last LSD trip.

I have not tried nearly as many meds as you, only like 4 SSRIs and Klonopin. I don't think I should have been on Klonopin daily like I was for so long because I really didn't need it just to go to work and home everyday. Recently I tried a 5MG dose of Lexapro because some family members take it and kept telling me to try it. After like 30 days I had 24/7 anxiety and jittery nervousness and felt like it made everything worse instead of better. I'm still considering giving this Trintellix a try, but IDK.
This is kind of what has been my worst problem this past year that caused me to start really spiraling and it all kind of culminated while I was on that Lexapro and actually feeling pretty happy before that. Although my happiness was mostly due to finding that girl. I have had the same kind of thought lately like, "why am I so scared of this shit if I literally want to die and don't care anyway"? but it still causes me so much anxiety just thinking about it. I never watch the blood tests, the first time I did watch was when I really freaked out and started being afraid of it after that. The last few I had I ended up like squeezing my temples with my other hand and probably holding my breath and just grimacing in anguish... It's not the pain at all it's just the intrusive repetitive thoughts of having this little needle sticking in my vein and I don't want it there. I hate being so conscious about my own body and mortality, I wish I could just be like an animal who doesn't know they have all these internal organs and shit. I also have listened to a lot of suicidal black metal over the years. Back in the early 2000s I would fall asleep with Wigrid, Xasthur or Drudkh's first album on repeat every night. Last year I listened to Hermodr more than any other artist and had his discography playing as I slept. I could never do any self harm like cutting, freaks me out too much, maybe a good thing that I'm too scared of that.

As far as religion goes I've always been super anti-religious, but my ex wife was buddhist and I kind of enjoyed some of the meditation and overall accepting nature of most of what I experienced from that religion. My ex who just dumped me was Pagan and I thought it was pretty silly to believe some of those gods were real, but I liked the spirituality and connection with nature. I also seemed to always be reminded of albums or songs that I have listened to over the years since there's a lot of Pagan themes in black metal. I've done a lot of gardening and had a small little farm in the back of my last house, so the connection with the earth kind of made sense. I was doing these morning rituals with her where we remember our lost loved ones and ancestors and honor the earth and animals and stuff like that, and it felt pretty good. I was supposed to celebrate Yule with her on the 21st and was really looking forward to all that shit, but now I don't know if I'm gonna continue with any of that. I've just been getting out of bed at like 1-2pm and then sitting on the couch playing magic on my computer with complete lack of interest and just trying to find something to pass the time.

All good points... I found my wife and latest girlfriend on dating apps which I thought was great at the time lol. I think I'm gonna try the writing thing, it seems to be surprisingly different from just talking so much. I feel like I have said the same things a million times to everyone I know already and it hasn't changed a whole lot. Ultimately I'm prolly gonna have to face my worst fears. I still don't know how to start finding things interesting or fun/funny again. I just started reading a book tonight called "Outsmart Negative Thinking" I read like 5 pages, it's a short book, but seems like it could be good.

For sure. It's not unusual to meet people online. I know some half-a-dozen people who met their spouses that way, and I think I've read that 1/4 to 1/3 (?) of relationships these days start online.

Myself, I'm just...a combination of old-fashioned, fairly inept, and probably temperamentally unfit: "Inept" is mostly self-explanatory - just kind of awkward, unsure of myself (and over-analytic), and unfamiliar with many of the "basic" dating-culture expectations (e.g., what constitutes a "good" date vs. an unacceptably cheap/lazy one; how to navigate goodbyes and follow-ups; etc., etc.). "Temperamentally unfit" is weirder, I guess; I find it very anxiety-inducing - almost like a job interview - to try to craft an appealing image/profile of myself online, and to have it snap-judged by a mostly silent, mostly invisible audience for as long as I care to tolerate it... It's hard to relax, log out, and put it out of my mind; I'm constantly tempted to tweak the damn thing, and it wears on me.

(It feels quite embarrassing to write all this, but I figure there are probably some people who can relate.)

I prefer to let things develop organically, in person, without anything that smacks of calculation and artificial, "mating dance" stuff. I think it's good advice to let romantic interest (if the potential is there) naturally blossom out of an easy, friendly rapport. All of my best friendships have a "happy accident" quality like that - like, I look back and wonder, "How, exactly, did this end up being a thing?" But I haven't had much opportunity or success since finishing school.

Ah well. If something happens, it happens; not the end of the world if it doesn't. It's unhealthy to have so much of one's self-worth hinge on dating/relationship success, but despite what I've written, I think I've made a lot of progress in relaxing and getting past that. (Though I continue to avoid the online scene like the plague.)



Good to see you say that - I think that's a good sign.

@Defenestrated: I generally agree with your statements really. In my posts, I'm just relating what I do, my own method of how I do things. It's not my intention to condone that others do the same thing, it's just what I've done for years.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do think people should be researching their medication online. But, I may have started doing that for other reasons than most people might. I take a lot of different street drugs, and weird OTC meds, so I decided a long time ago that if I was going to be stupid, I should be as smart about it as possible. For that reason, I started doing a lot of research (whether online or in books) on whatever drugs or meds I'm into.

I agree with you that deferring to medical professionals isn't "blindly" following them.... but I know a lot of people who genuinely do follow them blindly, and that's the sort of thing I'm talking about. They take like 30 different pills a day, they don't know what any of them do, and whatever the doctors tell them to do, they'll do it. I dunno, maybe most people think that's totally fine, but for myself (and I'm speaking only for myself here), I feel that I have to research whatever they suggest, and that I have the right to refuse any treatment that I think may be problematic for me as a result of that research.

Normally, what I do is start with Wikipedia to get a general overview of a substance. Then I'll search the communities for people who have actually taken these substances, and look at their feedback. So when Wiki says "5-10% of people" have developed negative effects from Lamictal, but then I see what people are saying about it (who have taken it and experinced it), and 90% of what I see is negative and horrific... yeah, that's going to influence my view on a substance, and whether or not I'm likely to take it.

"What else ya got?" Lol... I'm not taking something just because the doc gets paid for pushing this or that. I want something that genuinely helps, so, y'know... fumble around in your meds and suggest something else.

Again, I'm willing to cooperate and compromise, but I have to think of my own health first. Because, if the doc gives me something, and I have a negative reaction, or die... they did everything they thought was right in their professional opinion. They move on to the next patient, and meanwhile, my family grieves my death. I have to think of things like that. For the doctor it's nothing, they did what they thought was best in their professional opinion. But for me and my loved ones, the result is disastrous.

This kind of thing happens all the time. So yeah, I consider alternative ideas, DIY approach, and holistic methods. I feel no shame in that.

Anyways, I don't think you're trying to shame me really, I understand you're not trying to argue, and like I said, I generally agree with you. If people are comfortable putting their lives in their doctors hands, then that's fine, it's their choice. I can totally respect that. But.... I do things a bit differently, and that's my method.

As a person I greatly respect often says: "All power and love to you, and wisdom too." <3

@Sick6Six: Man, I almost don't know what to say, I just feel for you so much. It's terrible what you've gone through, and I totally empathize. In your case, I do hope that you can find a good doc (probably a psych doctor) who will understand and work with your unique situation.

Me too, I forgot to mention, my panic attacks started after an acid trip at the end of 2004. I had taken LSD and went to a friends place, was stuck in his room all night, couldn't make noise, it was too cold to go outside and walk home and we didn't bring our jackets.
I ended up having a 17hr panic attack on LSD. After that, the panic attacks came daily, even when I was sober. I quit all drugs at that point. I didn't even know what I was sufering, that it was panic attacks, I just thought I was going to die or something, that I had screwed myself up too much.

With time, and a change of environment (extremely important) my panic attacks stopped. My ex-wife and I moved, and I didn't have any attacks for about a year. I stayed clean too. Got involved with a church, and everything was going well....

....Until autumn. My mental issues seem to be cyclical, so in the autumn, the depression started, the misanthropy, and the fiending for drugs and/or alcohol.

Weed also gives me the exact same feeling: heart-attack. I hate it. CBD is better though, I honestly think you should try it, it may help you. CBD just relaxes you, it doesn't get you "high." There is a noticeable effect, but it's not like THC at all. No heart-pounding, no fear. Look into it, I hope it helps.

With your dogs, I think you have to realize that you did the best you could with them. You loved them, and yeah... maybe sometimes you feel you could have loved them more, or given them more attention. But in the end, you probably did your best, and tried your hardest under the circumstances. I don't know what else to say than that.
It's perhaps unreasonable to give them "undivided attention" 24/7, especially if at that time you had someone else in your life (your gf) who also required attention.

I dunno, I'm just saying... try not to beat yourself up about it too much. These things happen, unfortunately, and looking back, we always think "I should've done this or that," it's normal. It's normal. Everybody who is an average, "normal" human being goes through that. It's actually a good sign that you think of that, and feel that way, because the people we really have to worry about, they don't care about things like that. Meaning people who are socio/psychopaths, and malignant narcissists, etc. Those thoughts never cross their minds.

Where spirituality is concerned, it's difficult to know what to say in the case of someone like yourself, who is (or was brought up as) anti-religious. But all is not lost, it's never lost. All it takes is some study and experience on the subject. I'd just suggest looking deeper into it, and keeping an open mind. It just may be that things are a little different than you've been led to believe.

Buddhism might be a oood starting point for you, as it is "kind of" appealing to Atheists. It's said to be atheistic, although I'd personally disagree with that based upon certain things I've found out.

Anyways, there is a plethora of spiritual ideas out there. Even if you never get into any of them, it may help to distract your mind, learn something new, and give you something to do. There are techniques to try out, there are things to understand and consider.... and all the while, as you are learning these things, you're not comitting suicide, you're not (hopefully) having crippling anxiety attacks (although these may still occur from time to time). Basically, it keeps yourself busy, as you open yourself up to new possibilities.

You're not required to commit to any of them, if you don't want to. That's obviously clear. But the mere pursuit, the adventure of the search for Truth, it may help you stabilize, at least until you can find what works for you.

I dunno, this is just what works for me, so I'm relaying it to you. I've been a Truth-seeker since I was young, so it has always been important to me. In our day, it has become popular to view the quest for ultimate Truth as rather stupid, usually based upon the views of certain Renaissance and Victorian-era philosophers have said as much.

But I've never understood why I should believe them. So I figured I'd look into it for myself, and the journey has been rewarding. At very least, it'll maybe take your mind off things for a while.

All the best to you, brother. I hope things get figured out for you soon. Try not to lose hope. There's so much more I could touch on, but this post is already long enough (as usual), so I'll leave you with that.

I wish you well on the holidays, and best wishes in general for the rest of your life. "All power and love to you, and wisdom too." <3

I met my current wife online, at a time when I never thought I'd be with anyone ever again. Figured I was too messed up to be in a relationship, and that I should just not even try.

Then I met my wife online. I actually thought she might be my ex using a sock account to spy on me, lol. That's literally how I met my wife.

So, never lose hope. When the time is right, it'll happen. Maybe. Probably. Or maybe not. Who knows?

Well, I can't say that. I believe God knows, and I believe it was God who sent my wife at the proper time. So, I do believe that it will hapen at the right time.

Thanks, M_Mosher - and apologies for how my earlier post must've come off.

Also, Sick6Six, meant to say: Kano and Sonya are some outstanding pet names!

Well, I'm going to try to enjoy my holiday - despite a badly timed quarantine - and hopefully you folks do the same.

No worries at all, bro, it's all good.

Sorry to hear about your quarantine though, that sucks. Best wishes to you still.

Merry Christmas, and God Yule to all.

The first part of your paragraph here is literally my same experience, dude. In my case, I kind of realize what I did/how shit hit the fan, and was only sad for like two days as a consequence. The whole "not-knowing-why" is oftentimes the worst part of those situations. I've found there are some good ways to rationalize your way through that sadness though. I realize I don't know your situation, but what is working for me is doing the basics. I'm talking ultra basic shit like eating right, sleeping enough, and exercising. Each of those feeds into the whole concept of "self love" that everyone likes to give advice about. While conscious mental effort to overthrow negative thinking about one's self worth is crucial, backing it up with real world action that concurs with the mental paths your seeking to reinforce is the other part. I hope everyone here finds their way out of the negativity they're in right now!

Thank you, that's very kind.

The advice you gave is top-notch as well. I'm hoping to have the motivation (or whatever it is that's lacking) to start doing it again myself. I was doing pretty good for a few years, but a straight-up nervous-breakdown hit me around the end of 2021 (shit, did I already mention that? Sorry, if so.). Since then, I haven't the energy to do much at all. It's touch-and-go. Things are totally different. New phase.

Gonna keep trying, by God's grace.

A friend of mine recently came out as non-binary and it's set off my own gender questioning again. I think I need to see a gender therapist pretty urgently. Don't think I'm binary trans, but there seems to be some sort of fluidity going on.

I could just be a cis guy with non-conforming preferences, but I've been researching this stuff on and off for twenty years now, and trans women like Laura Jane Grace still fascinate me (I didn't mean that in an offensive way, I do realise they're people and not zoo exhibits).

Haven't had the opportunity to do a proper dress up session (make up etc) in a while but will probably take the first chance I get. The thing is this isn't a consistent thing. I can go weeks where being a guy is fine and I reason with myself that I'm making too much of this issue. Then it'll shift and I'll be scrolling the trans timelines subreddit for hours and getting jealous of the trans girls there.

I wouldn't say I have ever been totally at ease in my masculinity at all times, but I really don't feel like I'm a girl either. But there are times when either feels good. I'm very confused.

Gender can be a real fuck, for sure.

I'm currently waiting for my second appointment with a gender clinic, and the wait throughout the whole process is agonising. The UK sucks when it comes to trans health care.

What's worse is seeing all the negative shit that gets thrown around in the news etc. As far as I can tell all the big news organisations in the UK are kinda hostile to trans people. Seeing the crap that gets written about people like me is taking its toll.

God, that must suck. I'm sorry. I don't pay much attention to the news, but in the US, I sense a ton of thinly veiled bigotry in the media (conservative media especially, of course) - like, people bitching about LGBT "propaganda" (and "groomers") supposedly "infiltrating" childhood education; the hysteria about trans women competing in women's sports, about bathrooms, etc., etc. Just so much concern-trolling and sickening, hateful bullshit. You have my sympathy.

Anyone interested/experienced/talented in dream interpretation?

I don't have a general opinion on what can be legitimately said about dreams. I'm just (at most) vaguely aware of a few rival views, whose classical forms may be more-or-less obsolete - "unconscious wish fulfillment" versus "meaningless electrical activity/data dump" versus "something-or-other to do with archetypes," etc. I don't have a sense of what the prevailing professional outlook is.

One of my commonest dream scenarios is: I'm back in high school (or junior high school, or undergrad) and lost in the hallways, unprepared for a final exam, etc.

I don't really have a common theme about what dreams mean, and I believe you can ask 10 people and get 10 different answers.

Do you find the common dream you have to be a nightmare? Waking up in sweats/agonal breathing?

I have been having dreams lately. I can go a couple of weeks without them, and then they'll all be remembered, vivid and strange for several nights for no discernible reason. The worst one was last week, where I had a dream that I woke up in the very bed I was sleeping with to the news a friend of mine had died. Due to the location of the dream I thought it was real to the point where I messaged him when I woke up. He is very much alive. But it makes me not want to sleep sometimes, knowing my brain can be such a bastard.

Not really. It doesn't frighten me or cause any anxiety-like symptoms. It's just really irritating...but mainly afterwards. In the dream itself, when I'm forced to return to my old school, I'm often surprised and annoyed, but I go along with it, as if the feeling is, "I'm not in charge, no point resisting." But when I wake up and realize it was only a dream, I'll be mad at my brain, for sure. "Really, again? I finished high school 20 years ago. Why won't you let me be done?!"



Yes, absolutely. My dreams get to be so annoying - there seems to be something really pleasant, really hard to say "no" to, about the sensation of just gently losing consciousness; because otherwise I might be a lot less inclined to fall asleep. (And for that matter, I might be more inclined to say "no" to the snooze button, and roll my ass out of bed...but that's another story.)

How's everybody doing? I posted a long post on NYE which I ended up deleting later, because I wanted to go into the new year being more positive or something... Well that didn't happen. I started getting Covid symptoms on NYE and tested positive on NYD. I actually had some plans which I had to cancel and I ended up just spending another long weekend isolated at home. My work couldn't give me an answer on their Covid policy and I ended up going to work on Thursday, 4 days after testing positive, still felt like shit and it made me feel worse after that. I'm sure I was still contagious and still tested positive today. I spent about 14 hours in bed last night, sleeping is the only thing I enjoy and excel at lately. It really feels like nobody fuckin cares about anyone anymore. There's no room in life to be anything other than a working robot and I'm just fucking tired of everything.

That reflects really poorly on your employer. I know it's easier said than done, but I would want to get out of there ASAP. That's not only shitty to you, but it's highly irresponsible to anyone who'd come into contact with you on the job. I wonder if it'd be worthwhile to submit a complaint - or even consider legal action. (Same for your coworkers.)

Maybe start here to see if there might be something - https://www.osha.gov/coronavirus/faqs





Some states are stupid about this sort of thing, though, so I dunno. Couldn't hurt to inquire though, right?

yeah... not as easy as we thought, this life, eh? I go to a psychotherapist once a week for 45 mins. Consulting with a psychiatrist once every 6 months. Schizoaffective Disorder. As of this moment, I take anti-psycotic, anti-anxiety and sleeping pills. Don't suffer from Depression - Thank God! Never was suicidal. Minor Alcohol abuse when I was younger - AA fixed me.

Schizoaffective disorder is a condition where symptoms of both psychotic and mood disorders are present together during one episode (or within a two week period of each other). The word schizoaffective has two parts: 'schizo–' refers to psychotic symptoms. '–affective' refers to mood swings.

Greg

Just wanna give a shout out to everyone in this thread who has opened up and shared their struggles with mental health issues. I know stuff like this isn't even remotely easy to talk about, and it's good to know that there are others who feel the same way.

Also wanna give a shout out to those of you who haven't shared your struggles as well, as I know you all have personal reasons for choosing not to. You're all awesome in my book.

Thank you, friend I appreciate your compassionate words. It's means so much! just this post saved me a day in bed feeling sorry for my self. I thought opening the forum and what I see?? God sent me an angel. Unbelievable peace and bliss! Gonna play guitar all day!! Thank you, my divine

Playing now: Andromeda - Journey of Polyspheric Experience

Later, I will read a good book! Da Vinci Code, maybe...

I thank you again and again a thousand times. Namaste!

Greg

I've avoided social media for years now, and so I barely even know what TikTok is, but I found out that there's a trend right now to take this psychological quiz which compares your mental health profile to that of six Winnie the Pooh characters. (I had heard it previously said that some psychologists found it fairly easy to diagnose them; everyone knows that Eeyore is depressed, for example.)

NYPost article: Your fave 'Winnie the Pooh' character could reveal your mental health: viral test

There's probably room to debate the cultural significance of this sort of thing (does it help destigmatize mental health issues, or does it inappropriately make light of them by treating them as a cute, fun thing to share on social media, or...?), but I just went ahead and indulged my curiosity. My results were like a 67% match with Eeyore, a 67% match with Piglet, a 50% match with Roo, and 10% or less on the rest. Pretty consistent with what I've learned in therapy.

Given that it's very easy to interpret each Winnie the Pooh character as representing some kind of mental health issue (Pooh: eating disorder, Piglet: anxiety, Tigger: addiction/hyperactivity, Eeyore: depression/manipulation), I'd say it's fine. Some people, it might even help to have a metaphor or relatable character for what they're going through.

As a rule, those self administered online tests hold about as much weight as a horrorscope. They're still fun, though.

Also, @defenestrated: good on you for avoiding social media at all costs. Stay as unconnected to that shit as you can for as long as possible. I wish someone told younger me this, and I'm not really a terminally-online person, either. The cons vastly outweigh any good (excluding usage of social media for business reasons, of course). In regards to your dream thing - and keep in mind, I'm not a professional or even learned at this - your dream seems to me to reflect an internal struggle wherein you feel unprepared for life (the exam), and on a certain level, feel powerless as a person in the face of this grand challenge you perceive life to be (evident by your being in middle school, a time at which you were (likely) smaller and physically weaker than now). It's a common stress dream, but that's what I got from your writing here. Perhaps it hints at some esteem/self belief work you need to do?



I'm glad to hear this! From my experience, (actually long lasting) happiness and fulfillment only really comes from the work you put into yourself. Reading philosophy, devoting myself to a healthy life, and exercising my creative powers to manifest the internal world in our external reality have brought me to a place of happiness that no possession, relationship, job, or fleeting pleasure have ever managed to do. You cannot rely on others to dictate what's valuable to you - if you give them the power to make you happy, you also grant them the power to make you miserable. Not gonna advocate for total asceticism here, but if you aren't already doing those, give them a shot and see how things go!

Thanks, man. That sounds like a reasonable interpretation, or at any rate an accurate description of me. Sort of along those lines, I recently met up with some classmates from years past, and they were talking themselves up in terms of career, money, relationships, etc. - all things in which I've had middling success at best - and I had to joke, "Apart from the premature balding, I feel like the least grown-up person here."

P.S. LOL @ "horrorscope"...love metalhead typos.

I recently had a few days of feeling pretty down in the dumps. I lost interest in a lot of my hobbies which is always a sure-fire sign of something being wrong. I've had major depressive disorder in the past that has been largely managed, particularly now in my 30's, but I do get flare-ups from time to time. This time, I had a 12 hour night shift in the thick of it, so that was difficult to get through. My psychologist has suggested in the past to tell my girlfriend when I have these things, which I did this time. It's extremely difficult to tell anyone about it, because I don't really want to burden anyone. Thankfully, telling my girlfriend was a good choice as she was supportive and comforting, and I feel it wiped a day or two off this episode. I'm feeling better now. I guess the point of this is to speak up when things are tough.

The Virginia Employment Commission is by far the single worst "organization" I've ever had to deal with. My anxiety has been insanely high since September of last year because they are claiming that i wasn't entitled to receive the unemployment money that I got while I was on furlough from my job back in 2020 (due to the pandemic I had no choice in this matter). I thankfully had the larger of the two "overpayments" waived, but it looks as if they want me to attend a hearing for the other one.

Problem is, their office is three and a half hours from where I live, on top of the fact that they want evidence as to why I felt they made the wrong decision, and they hit me with all of this TWO YEARS after my furlough period ended due to how backed up and poorly mananged they are. Plus my my bank had a divestiture in 2021, forcing me to switch banks. Because of this, they somehow lost all of my bank statements from that period...which means I don't have the evidence I need. Don't even get me started on how much of a hassle it is to get in contact with anyone due to how confusing both their website and phone system is.

Anyone else in Virginia or any other state having to deal with this?

Anyone else bothered when you order something, and it comes in with very slight damage? Where it's not damaged enough to warrant shipping back or getting a new one, but it's still very slightly damaged?

This bugs me.

I ordered an old Xbox game and it's perfect, except a little tear on the cover.

Maybe it's an OCD trait? Not sure.

Hm, I would guess it'd be a challenge to find someone who isn't annoyed by such things, at least to some extent. All other things being equal, wouldn't pretty much anyone prefer an item in mint condition to the same item with small-but-tolerable blemishes? (Unless one's preference is for things with a used/antique/vintage appearance...in which case, wouldn't the lack of this appearance constitute a blemish?)

I'm not trying to be a jerk - I just think it'd be odd to suspect OCD on the basis of this specifically, as it seems to be a pretty universal thing which is unlikely to significantly detract from one's quality of life. (But maybe there are other reasons not expressed in your post.)

That's the thing about mental health conditions, I think: Everyone has some degree of everything (sadness, insecurity, anger, impulsiveness, etc., etc.), but diagnostic labels don't "really" apply unless the symptoms have a certain severity, persistence, or other unusual qualities which impact the person's overall well-being.

You're right that this doesn't mean I have OCD, but maybe some traits.

However, the difference is, the average person will think "Oh look a small tear, that sucks" and move on. For me, it bugs me for a very long time.

Oh, okay. Well, the fact that you're noticing a difference between your responses to blemishes (they bug you for a very long time) and other people's responses to blemishes (they find it easier to accept them and move on) - that might mean something.

I don't really have any acquaintance with OCD beyond just the layperson's impressions: I think in order for a person's everyday thoughts or feelings or urges to qualify as OCD material, they have to be harmful (or to some degree bothersome), the person has to consider them "unwarranted" (or excessive, irrational, strange, wrong), and they have to be resistant to conscious, corrective efforts - they have to be involuntary and persistent. Of course there'll be a wide range of qualifying material; as with any mental health disorder, some symptoms will be more minor or tolerable, while other symptoms will make for major difficulties in daily functioning.

This isn't an official definition - again, just my best guess, based on relatively little in the way of actual knowledge - so, it'd definitely be preferable to consult with a trained professional on this. Good luck!

Only speaking anecdotally (OCD is among my diagnoses, not that it makes me any sort of expert), I'm inclined to agree with the above. When you start thinking and acting in ways you cannot control, and cannot make it stop- regardless of whatever umbrella term/acronym you fall under, there's no shame in asking around or seeking help. You're already making progress by keeping an eye on something that seems to irritate you more than you'd like it to. I've been there. (And if, it turns out, your symptoms do require help, I can also attest to this disorder being largely treatable, although I know that's no comfort in the moment. There's hope, is all I mean.)

Good to see you checking back in, Xeper.

You've commented in a couple places that anxiety makes it really challenging or uninviting to join in forum/social media discussions. I'm curious about that - I find that highly relatable. Might be helpful to share our experiences with that and try to shed some light on it.

I don't want to go into specifics, but I can think back to some episodes in my 'teens and 20s when (as is not uncommon!) I posted some rather obnoxious, poorly thought-out, immature things in some online spaces of mine...nothing too nasty or antagonizing for the most part, but enough to attract some negative attention that left a bad mark on me. (Worsened by the fact that I tended to use online socializing as a substitute for "the real thing.") Maybe it's just me, but I think people understate how traumatizing online interactions can be - youthful online bullying does get some attention, but why suppose adults are immune to the effects of similar things?

Even today, when I post stuff online, I find myself having to fight off the sense that I'm "baring my soul" before an unforgiving, viciously judgmental invisible audience eager to find fault with and (unless they're generous) publicly humiliate me. I imagine for the less anxiety-ridden, the experience is more like...just shooting the shit in a semi-anonymous, very low-stakes sort of way. It'd be worth exploring some thought strategies to get closer to that mentality. (Especially given the increasing role of online interaction in daily life...not just forum-posting or whatever; I find that aspects of this can carry over into things like text messaging.)

Thanks Defenestrated, likewise. (I appreciate your or anyone's patience in even reading this as I reacclimate to interacting w/ strangers, organizing my thoughts into paragraphs, etc.)

It's interesting you associate sharing online anonymously with oversharing/overexposing, and subsequently fearing judgment. That fear of sounding silly/wrong- have you always been that worried about being judged or punished, or do you feel it developed/had a catalyst? Honing in a little more, do you feel similarities between the judgment of strangers & the judgment of your peers, even just for yourself?

To your point about youthful follies, I can offer in consolation that a dear friend of mine for 20+ years still occasionally teases me good-naturedly about a specific M-A review I wrote - don't ask - and he's right to do so, as we can both laugh at it now that we're older & hopefully more mature, but I'm mortified by the tone of most of my old reviews. Interestingly, it has the same sneering, judgmental tone you described, one of conspicuously unearned cynicism.

I'm reminded of tagging along w/ an old coworker to pick up his first cellphone back in the day. By his own admission, he was a real hothead, and I can confirm that to this day, his temper hasn't gone away. I know the stereotype is that kids are all glued to their phones, but my friends (like me, mostly 30s/40s) run the gamut in terms of how they treat online interaction. Like you, I can't find an upside to downplaying such interactions, especially negative ones. I guess there's an argument for being resistant to change, even unintentionally, and wanting words to carry the same weight regardless of medium, when that's simply not the case (and probably never was)? Or, am I victim-blaming (which I'd never condone) by taking the blame without being certain? Your guess is as good as mine.

So how do we approach possible solutions or scenarios? I know my biggest barrier is that of low self-worth, and being convinced I'm annoying people when I talk to them. That's not even based on negative external feedback; it's been my inner monologue long as I can remember. Do you find there's a specific feeling (fear, competition, whatever) that's strongest for you in these situations?

Again, sorry if this reads half as rambly as it feels. I'm rusty.

I'm weirdly foggy on the origins of my stuff. Sure, like anyone, I've got my share of bad memories from school and other formative periods (I sometimes joke that I stopped feeling happy around the age of eight), but also, I think a lot of it's just the family curse: lots of warm, wholesome, outwardly pleasant and well-meaning people with some downright horrific thought-lives: Looking in one direction, I see my grandfather losing his mother to suicide; then looking in the opposite direction, I see my nephew pausing on the playground to spontaneously remark to his mother, "Mama, I don't like myself."

Anyway, as with your self-description, I think it's mostly a case of a toxic inner monologue. Everyone bumps into some people who say some brutally nasty and belittling shit to them, it's part of life...but apparently some people are more wired to brush it aside, depersonalize it, and focus on the positive and constructive, whereas my habit/practice has been more to surrender and "give it power over me" (a recurring phrase in therapy), probably because it resonates on some level with what I already believe about myself.

Some strategies to work on that? Definitely talking it out regularly with a trusted friend or loved one or (especially) a therapist. There's almost a pattern: I notice myself being panicked or weighed down by some horrible recurring thoughts X, Y, Z ("Man, you suck, you're such an unlovable failure," or whatever); I tell someone close, "Gee, it really bothers me that X, Y, and Z - know what I mean?"; and the person tells me, "God, no! As a matter of fact, X, Y, and Z are wildly inaccurate and terrible!" ...In many cases, it's as if I've (gradually) accustomed myself to expecting this sort of response, to the point where the other person's presence is even unnecessary: It (gradually) registers with me that when X, Y, and Z appear in my mind, there's a pretty good chance that X, Y, and Z are just so much passing jerk-brain bullshit, which I have the option of simply "noticing" and "riding out" (even if X, Y, and Z do a damn good job of dressing themselves up as brute reality).

I agree. "Riding it out" never feels like an option, even if sometimes it is. That is a healthy degree of compartmentalization I could stand to work on. If my current problems didn't feel so plainly real, I'm sure thoughts about worst-case scenarios wouldn't be as intrusive. Or so I like to think- maybe I'm overestimating myself. Is tuning bad stuff out something that's come to you through practice?